Boundaries: Listening to Your Body
Boundaries help us to navigate the spaces we are in, the people we are with, and what we choose to do in response to each of these things. Boundaries can be very simple, and yet, many of us have a difficult time establishing our own boundaries. We often struggle with boundaries when we first misinterpret the purpose and function of boundaries. Boundaries are about what I will do or not do; boundaries are not about what I can get you to do or not do.
Boundaries also involve a level of distress tolerance; when we set a boundary, we need to also understand that others may have a reaction to our boundaries. Someone having a reaction to our boundaries does not necessitate changing our boundary. As long as we have been thoughtful of our needs and wants and continue to determine the boundary is how we are choosing to interact, then we need to be able to build distress tolerance for someone else’s emotions and experiences, even if they are different than our own. Sometimes this means setting another emotional boundary for ourselves and how we want to process the emotional reaction we received from another.
I love using our body as a means of learning more about ourselves, specifically when it comes to boundaries. Our bodies provide an incredible amount of data to us, sometimes at an alarming rate! Our bodies enjoy homeostasis, being balanced, and congruence. Think of an equal sign (=); our bodies tend to like when what we think, feel, and believe match up with what we do and say. We call this “congruence.” When we don’t match up our actions with what we think, feel, and believe, we can experience cognitive dissonance; this is a difficult experience for most. The body has a way of letting us know this is what is happening, often by providing sensory information such as tension. Tension is one of the very common ways our body communicates with us; our chest feeling tight, our stomach turning, our legs bouncing, our shoulders cringing, etc. Often times, we dismiss these signals as purely physical; other times, we label these sensations as “bad” and quickly move away from them. We often don’t realize that these sensations are our body’s way of communicating, especially when we feel strong emotions. Listening to your body can be a helpful way to understand your experience and what your body needs and wants.
Body mindfulness is the practice of tuning into your body. Imagine a volume dial; when the music plays quietly in the background, we may not pay as much attention to it or even notice it. Body mindfulness is learning to tune in and turn up the volume dial of your body. This takes practice. Practicing doesn’t make perfect, but it can make “better.” The more we practice and develop this skill, the more we are able to improve our boundary setting.
We are all humans, learning, applying, learning some more, and so it goes. That means, even with boundaries, we are likely to need to revisit boundaries from time to time, either because we missed something important, or perhaps we have changed, learned something new, or need something different. This is where body mindfulness can be more helpful than even just our prefrontal cortex, the logical part of our brain. Our prefrontal cortex is really good at rational, collected thoughts. The prefrontal cortex is only one part of our complex brain system. While it can be very helpful in the process, we still need to rely heavily on body mindfulness in setting boundaries. This way, instead of this is what I think my boundary “should” be, it becomes more about this is what my body is letting me know I need right now and I can evaluate later if that changes. It allows us to move out of unnecessarily rigid boundaries into boundaries that flow with our growth and changes.
Learning to listen to your body might look like checking in with yourself and asking some curious questions:
—How do I feel when I am in this place? What happens in my body?
—How do I feel when I am with this person or people? What happens in my body?
—How do I feel when I am doing this behavior? What happens in my body?
—How do I feel when I am interacting with someone and they do this/don’t do that? What happens in my body?
—How does this fit with my values? What happens in my body?
—How does this fit with my goals? What happens in my body?
Consider coming up with some personalized questions for yourself. If you know there is a personal struggle you have, see if you can check in closely with that particular issue; if you struggle with people pleasing tendencies, ask yourself, is this in support of what I need or is this for someone else at the cost of my own needs being met? What happens in my body?
Ultimately, our boundaries are our personal responsibility and no one else’s. We cannot control others’ behaviors, even if we clearly state our boundaries. It is our responsibility to advocate, acknowledge, and take action in our own boundaries; this allows us to practice congruence (remember, our bodies like that equal sign!). When we set a boundary, whether spoken or unspoken, and someone violates it, our body reacts. We experience this as a sensation somewhere in our body, often with tension. We often focus on this as the primary issue, however, if we slow down, we can begin to see that it is not always only the first violation, but also additionally our own boundary violation of not taking action that supports and upholds our own boundary, such as taking a step back, stating we will not discuss that topic, or leaving the situation, etc. It is because of this, that we can continue to have lingering tension within our bodies, like a reverberating shockwave or ripple effect. Again, we are constantly learning, we do that best when we are compassionate with ourselves, so when we learn something new, ideally we can take a breath, take in the new information, and adjust as needed. This adjustment, or pivot can be a crucial step in taking care of ourselves through new ways of interacting.
Boundaries are a constant “work in progress” type of learning. Taking time to scan our body, check in with what is working and what is not, and pivoting as needed are important parts of the process. We have to be patient with ourselves as we navigate these experiences and continue to look for opportunities to grow in the ways that serve us well.
Soothe Well & Stay Connected,
~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC