Crucial Connections: Using EFT and Attachment Theory in Couples Therapy
Many times couples come into therapy not really knowing specifically what they need or want; they just know they need things to improve and want to have a better relationship! I most often hear things like, “We fight all the time!” “Things are fine, we just don’t really have much in common besides the kids” “If they would just pick up [the dish, the towel, the sock on the floor, etc] then we wouldn’t have these problems!” “We don’t have sex often enough!” “They are constantly nagging!” “They just sit there on the couch and don’t help!” “We just don’t know how to talk to each other” Around and around it goes, with both partner’s losing. I frequently use the example with my couples that a relationship is like a three-legged race (you know, when you partner up and they tie one of each partner’s legs together and you have to run; it’s hard and takes a surprising amount of coordination); if one partner falls, both partners fall; you need both partners to work together to be successful. It takes motivation, effort, communication, coordination, and a lot of listening and patience from BOTH partners.
A Little Bit of Emotionally Focused Therapy:
So, let’s dive into understanding the core of our relationships—connection.
We'll explore the brilliance of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment Theory, both of which I use as my primary method in helping couples Soothe Well and Stay Connected.
To give credit where credit is due, John Bowlby as early as the late 1950s was sharing these theories and ideas, which is incredible for that time period. Sue Johnson followed and really sharpened and applied attachment theory into couples therapy in the 1980s, which became the pivotal focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps us know and validate that our deep need for emotional connection isn't just for the RomComs and Hallmark movie– it's a basic need for our survival. EFT helps couples tune into their emotions and attachment needs. Instead of getting lost in the endless cycle patterns of blame and criticism, EFT helps couples slow down, learn to recognize and eventually share their fears and longings. By doing so, EFT helps couples reshape the dynamic of their relationship, moving from distress in disconnection to comfort in connection.
A Little Bit of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory helps us understand our relationships with others. Our earliest relationships, usually with our first caregivers (i.e. parent(s), a grandparent, a nanny, etc.) shape our "attachment styles." Whether you're securely attached, anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, or a combination, influences how you connect with your partner. Understanding these attachment styles can be a game-changer. It helps couples recognize patterns, heal past wounds, and create a secure emotional bond together. While it is helpful to know and understand attachment styles, it is also to note that these are not concrete labels. What is incredible about attachment styles is that they have the ability to change. It’s also important to remember that while we tend to have a typical “go to” attachment style, our most common method of attachment style, our most frequently used “moves” that doesn’t mean we won’t ever use different moves or that we are incapable of doing so. Knowing your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style is similar to knowing your best guesses to the common patterns you and your partner make in the relationship. EFT helps us to identify and use this awareness to support and build healthy growth in the relationship.
The Dance of Connection
Sue Johnson loves her tango dancing! She often uses the metaphor of a dance to illustrate the couples relationship. So, imagine your relationship as a dance. Sometimes it's a beautiful tango, flowing together smoothly and other times it feels more clunky, stepping on each other’s toes and without any rhythm. Still, other couples might look like the classic middle school dance in the gym where no one is dancing! That’s a big issue. Through the lens of EFT and attachment theory, we see that this dance is a reflection of our deepest needs and fears being played out.
The good news is you're not stuck. You don’t have to dance the same way you always have; if you lost the in sync connection you once had, if you have been hurt by getting your toes stepped on, or even if you feel like you never really had much rhythm to begin with, EFT can help you dance in a loving embrace with your partner.
The other good news is that you don’t have to actually know how to do the tango or any other dances (I don’t either!), but we can work together as a team to help you learn the emotional moves that help you and your partner thrive together in an emotionally connected relationship.
In EFT, couples learn to:
Tune into emotions: Rather than shutting down or lashing out, partners learn to express their feelings and needs.
Break the cycle: Recognizing patterns of interaction allows couples to step back and choose a more loving, connected response.
Create a secure bond: By fostering emotional accessibility and responsiveness, couples nurture a safe and loving connection.
So, with EFT and attachment theory, couples create and build connection that is a core need to every human. By understanding our emotional needs and tuning into the dance (patterns) of our relationships, we can experience love and intimacy that lasts.
If you're curious about how EFT and attachment theory can strengthen your relationship, reach out to connect with EFT Couples Therapy or EFIT Individual Therapy.
Soothe Well & Stay Connected,
~Sara Schramer, MA LCPC